Another important thing to talk about is what you want in your obituary. Wendy, you and I are both journalists, so it frequently falls to us to help folks with their family members’ obituaries when the time comes. If that information is organized, it helps a lot. It’s also important to ask people while they are active and healthy what they would want included. It makes me sad to read an obit that focuses only on that they loved their grandchildren. What happened in the rest of their lives? There were decades and decades of activities and interests and accomplishments and people who should be included. Remember, an obituary is your own little autobiography, so drafting it yourself is a good idea too.
Really good addition to the list Susan. You are right about the obituary needing encompass the "whole" person — and so many that get written feel like they are just fill-in-the-blank. While we may think we know what is important to people we love, only they know it for certain. So, better to ask early.
Wendy this hit home. Two weeks ago I fell on an outing with grandkids and broke the femur at hip joint. I’m now Bionic Bebe with a rod that was pounded in and screwed from hip to knee. It’s been a painful challenge but I’m now getting about with walker and doing our stars. But, I’m the one that pays the bills, online. So at the first of the month I had to time doing that when I wasn’t woozy from pain meds. We have kept folders labeled as ICE. In Case of Emergency It’s got all that info you asked for. And I feel like most of that information the kids need they’ll e able to find there. So someone else could have made sure bills were paid if needed
Also I had been working on balance issues with MS with PT and increased working with weights last fall. Boy am I glad to have better upper arm strength and core too. It’s helping my rehab now. I just miss helping out with our 5 grandsons as I do weekly. Hello to your folks! Keep on achieving Wendy!
Beth - first I'm so sorry about the hip injury. I can only imagine how painful that was, particularly with that rod. Your ICE folder is a smart idea. Glad you shared it here. Also, fantastic on the weights... that is going to make a huge difference. I will tell my folks hello. Please say hi to your family for me.
Thanks for this! It's interesting because as I approach 60, I've been working on this in reverse and my kids want no part of it. Yes, I work hard in the gym, am very active and healthy, no meds, etc BUT, I've seen a few people sideswiped by the unexpected and don't want to leave a mess behind for them should something happen. My four adult children just nod and say okay and change the subject.
That's a good perspective to raise. I think some kids (particularly if they love their parents) can't imagine a world without them. I'm in that boat. It's been tough forcing myself to have these conversations. You are a good mom to take the lead here.
This is great Gwendolyn. My parents are long gone. I was lucky to stumble on an article in the WSJ that I cut out (internet? There was no internet ) and gave to my parents on the very subject. They acted on it. Thank God!
I think, as you alluded to, this needs to extend beyond finance. I’m retired but my field was genomics. We have made great strides in ascertaining individuals’ proclivity for diseases, but a proclivity does not necessarily mean someone will contract that disease. We have a long way to go before we understand the triggers. BUT… the more you know about your parents’ and their siblings and extended family’s health the better you and your healthcare provider will be able to evaluate your risks and develop strategies to ameliorate them. In my experience parents don’t want to worry their kids, and they will hide issues. It’s not an easy conversation.
I have a personal example for illustration. I have markers for cardiovascular disease. I know my father’s side of the family very well. They also had markers but no heart attacks. I did not address my markers (among others ridiculously high cholesterol) because no one had a heart attack. So why worry? Recently I connected with a cousin on my mother’s side. Guess what? Lots of heart attacks… ooops!
Since I’m on a roll, as others have said consider learning more detail about your parents’ lives. I’m sure you’ll be surprised at the hardships they’ve endured and their accomplishments. Few lives when reviewed are dull. A personal example again, my father was a bomber pilot in WWII, he was in the first squadron that flew to England. They flew to Brazil, the Azores, Africa and then to England. I
Never discussed it with him. How stupid can a person be? Don’t make my mistake.
As always thanks Gwendolyn for raising this… uncomfortable issue.
All good points Marshall. I also find that generationally, my parents' are less inclined to "test" for certain markers unless their doctors tell them to. And not all doctors are equally in-tune with using markers for prevention. Too many still fall into the "wait until something is wrong and then treat it" mindset, which is no doubt a byproduct in part of the economics of our healthcare system. But that's another story.
Solid advice, and I'm glad you included the "softer" questions. I've not only lost both parents in recent years - with several questions about our early family life and heritage unanswered; we also just lost my mom's two remaining siblngs within a span of weeks, cutting off more memories. Don't wait, folks.
It's clear to me from your above lists that you've been thinking about this, and touching on it with your parents, for some time. Many children (especially those with only one remaining parent) are pretty sensitive around these issues. A first step for them may need to be simply thinking about what they care about knowing from their parent. Some may not want (and may even fear) back stories, but reminders of shared events/occasions, or how-tos on using ancient (say a slide projector) equipment still stashed in the attic ... And for some families, a sit-down, hands-on lesson on how to hem a pair of pants or sew on a button or knit a sweater or embroider a sleeve or ... You get my drift.
We lost my dad 7 years ago to an aortic aneurysm. Not knowing this information left my brother and I trying to settle his affairs, take care of our aging housebound grandfather and generally sort life out. Mom and Dad were divorced for a while. Dad was very stoic. On top of the shock of losing a parent unexpectedly(I was an hour from leaving for a work trip and our kids were younger and our son had quite the bond with Pop) the lack of either my brother or I having any sense of his wishes or finances was a nightmare to sort. It’s made me plan for what I want should something happen to me and to make sure we know what our mom wants. Really thought provoking and I appreciate you delving into something like this. As a 53 year old these things are coming at us fast and I feel like we are past the going to weddings for friends and are now going to funerals for parents stage.
I'm sorry about your Dad Mike. There is never a good or better time for any of this to unfold. Your story feels very familiar to me from what I hear from friends. None of the planning can stop the unexpected, but it can make it a little less brutal. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Wendy. The best thing I took away from his death was to make sure I tell the people I love that I love them, I appreciate them and they make me proud. Leave nothing unsaid.
Thank you for distilling the key questions down to a (relatively) unintimidating list. My parents passed away some years ago but it's vital for my sister to understand my preferences. These questions will help.
This is so good, Wendy. And reminds me that I really need to have The Conversation with my mom. We keep talking about doing it and not doing it! You've inspired me to just do it. Your parents sound very sweet. xo
Another important thing to talk about is what you want in your obituary. Wendy, you and I are both journalists, so it frequently falls to us to help folks with their family members’ obituaries when the time comes. If that information is organized, it helps a lot. It’s also important to ask people while they are active and healthy what they would want included. It makes me sad to read an obit that focuses only on that they loved their grandchildren. What happened in the rest of their lives? There were decades and decades of activities and interests and accomplishments and people who should be included. Remember, an obituary is your own little autobiography, so drafting it yourself is a good idea too.
Really good addition to the list Susan. You are right about the obituary needing encompass the "whole" person — and so many that get written feel like they are just fill-in-the-blank. While we may think we know what is important to people we love, only they know it for certain. So, better to ask early.
Wendy this hit home. Two weeks ago I fell on an outing with grandkids and broke the femur at hip joint. I’m now Bionic Bebe with a rod that was pounded in and screwed from hip to knee. It’s been a painful challenge but I’m now getting about with walker and doing our stars. But, I’m the one that pays the bills, online. So at the first of the month I had to time doing that when I wasn’t woozy from pain meds. We have kept folders labeled as ICE. In Case of Emergency It’s got all that info you asked for. And I feel like most of that information the kids need they’ll e able to find there. So someone else could have made sure bills were paid if needed
Also I had been working on balance issues with MS with PT and increased working with weights last fall. Boy am I glad to have better upper arm strength and core too. It’s helping my rehab now. I just miss helping out with our 5 grandsons as I do weekly. Hello to your folks! Keep on achieving Wendy!
Beth - first I'm so sorry about the hip injury. I can only imagine how painful that was, particularly with that rod. Your ICE folder is a smart idea. Glad you shared it here. Also, fantastic on the weights... that is going to make a huge difference. I will tell my folks hello. Please say hi to your family for me.
Thanks for this! It's interesting because as I approach 60, I've been working on this in reverse and my kids want no part of it. Yes, I work hard in the gym, am very active and healthy, no meds, etc BUT, I've seen a few people sideswiped by the unexpected and don't want to leave a mess behind for them should something happen. My four adult children just nod and say okay and change the subject.
That's a good perspective to raise. I think some kids (particularly if they love their parents) can't imagine a world without them. I'm in that boat. It's been tough forcing myself to have these conversations. You are a good mom to take the lead here.
This is great Gwendolyn. My parents are long gone. I was lucky to stumble on an article in the WSJ that I cut out (internet? There was no internet ) and gave to my parents on the very subject. They acted on it. Thank God!
I think, as you alluded to, this needs to extend beyond finance. I’m retired but my field was genomics. We have made great strides in ascertaining individuals’ proclivity for diseases, but a proclivity does not necessarily mean someone will contract that disease. We have a long way to go before we understand the triggers. BUT… the more you know about your parents’ and their siblings and extended family’s health the better you and your healthcare provider will be able to evaluate your risks and develop strategies to ameliorate them. In my experience parents don’t want to worry their kids, and they will hide issues. It’s not an easy conversation.
I have a personal example for illustration. I have markers for cardiovascular disease. I know my father’s side of the family very well. They also had markers but no heart attacks. I did not address my markers (among others ridiculously high cholesterol) because no one had a heart attack. So why worry? Recently I connected with a cousin on my mother’s side. Guess what? Lots of heart attacks… ooops!
Since I’m on a roll, as others have said consider learning more detail about your parents’ lives. I’m sure you’ll be surprised at the hardships they’ve endured and their accomplishments. Few lives when reviewed are dull. A personal example again, my father was a bomber pilot in WWII, he was in the first squadron that flew to England. They flew to Brazil, the Azores, Africa and then to England. I
Never discussed it with him. How stupid can a person be? Don’t make my mistake.
As always thanks Gwendolyn for raising this… uncomfortable issue.
All good points Marshall. I also find that generationally, my parents' are less inclined to "test" for certain markers unless their doctors tell them to. And not all doctors are equally in-tune with using markers for prevention. Too many still fall into the "wait until something is wrong and then treat it" mindset, which is no doubt a byproduct in part of the economics of our healthcare system. But that's another story.
Solid advice, and I'm glad you included the "softer" questions. I've not only lost both parents in recent years - with several questions about our early family life and heritage unanswered; we also just lost my mom's two remaining siblngs within a span of weeks, cutting off more memories. Don't wait, folks.
That's a lot of loss Andy. I appreciate the note. The phrase "cutting off more memories" will stick with me and others.
It's clear to me from your above lists that you've been thinking about this, and touching on it with your parents, for some time. Many children (especially those with only one remaining parent) are pretty sensitive around these issues. A first step for them may need to be simply thinking about what they care about knowing from their parent. Some may not want (and may even fear) back stories, but reminders of shared events/occasions, or how-tos on using ancient (say a slide projector) equipment still stashed in the attic ... And for some families, a sit-down, hands-on lesson on how to hem a pair of pants or sew on a button or knit a sweater or embroider a sleeve or ... You get my drift.
We lost my dad 7 years ago to an aortic aneurysm. Not knowing this information left my brother and I trying to settle his affairs, take care of our aging housebound grandfather and generally sort life out. Mom and Dad were divorced for a while. Dad was very stoic. On top of the shock of losing a parent unexpectedly(I was an hour from leaving for a work trip and our kids were younger and our son had quite the bond with Pop) the lack of either my brother or I having any sense of his wishes or finances was a nightmare to sort. It’s made me plan for what I want should something happen to me and to make sure we know what our mom wants. Really thought provoking and I appreciate you delving into something like this. As a 53 year old these things are coming at us fast and I feel like we are past the going to weddings for friends and are now going to funerals for parents stage.
I'm sorry about your Dad Mike. There is never a good or better time for any of this to unfold. Your story feels very familiar to me from what I hear from friends. None of the planning can stop the unexpected, but it can make it a little less brutal. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Wendy. The best thing I took away from his death was to make sure I tell the people I love that I love them, I appreciate them and they make me proud. Leave nothing unsaid.
Thank you for distilling the key questions down to a (relatively) unintimidating list. My parents passed away some years ago but it's vital for my sister to understand my preferences. These questions will help.
Thank you for the feedback. They are questions to share, as you note, with anyone important who will be involved in this stage of our life
This is so good, Wendy. And reminds me that I really need to have The Conversation with my mom. We keep talking about doing it and not doing it! You've inspired me to just do it. Your parents sound very sweet. xo
Thanks Anne Marie. My parents are a good mix of sweet and tough. I think you'll appreciate that! Hope the talk with your mom goes well.